Mickey Mouse must have a fetish for underage girls whose names end in ‘y.’ Fetish for forming them into future fame farms. Britney is drugged, Lindsay is SCRAMmed, so here comes Miley Cyrus with a new album, Can’t Be Tamed. Two years ago, I suggested that Miley should take risks with her career and grow up along with her fans. And she listened!

“…it was obvious with that Vanity Fair scandal that Miley wants to be seen as an adult entertainer, not just a kid cash cow. To do that, she needs to take risks. It worked for Rihanna.”

But with risks come controversy. Miley is going wild, Britney-style! She’s one sex-tape away from total collapse of the tart. Her outfits are too skanky! She’s dancing like a stripper! Where are her parents? We’ve heard it all before. My response? Worry about your own goddamn children snorting whip-its on your driveway.

On June 5, to promote Can’t Be Tamed, Miley Cyrus put on her shortest, tightest skirt and performed at G-A-Y nightclub in London. For a pop star, it’s kind of the equivalent of being sent to Oz by your every-gay-fan-turned-fairy-godmother. Oh, the glory of a gay icon. This grown-up Miley wants your gay dollars. And she’ll strip for them if she has to.

For Miley and her pop sisters, it seems as though along with that set of Mouse ears comes the unrequited love of millions of gay boys all over the world. Yes, Hilary Duff urged us to stop and think before saying, “that’s so gay” (“that’s so girl wearing a skirt-as-a-top” just rolls off the tongue so much better). Lindsay Lohan has/had a crazy lesbian love affair, and Miley… well, she had to delete her Twitter account because of the harassment she was receiving after she expressed support of same-sex marriage. Oh, and she is also infamous for posing nude for lesbian photographers and dancing provocatively with gay directors.

Britney Spears’s queer resume consists of a Will & Grace cameo, a performance at Splash in New York and getting some gay award she didn’t even show up to! She’s more of a receptive gay icon – landing her title just by being Britney Spears (the fascinating woman gyrating onstage to the hypnotic dance music).

But beyond that, the way she was packaged and produced has made her a permanent fixture on our collective gaydar. Britney was marketed as a hypersexualized siren to erect an economy of pre-teen spending sprees. Fueled by an adolescent fascination with the forbidden, Britney prompted young girls to exploit their sexuality before they could understand it. A basic coming out, growing pain principle familiar to young gay boys from the East Village to the West Bank. Britney’s gay following hurls to her naturally – an almost primal form of fandom.

Whereas Miley? Well, she’s gotta earn it. And no one can say she’s not trying. She told Graham Norton that her gay best friend is “cuter” than her boyfriend. She kissed a girl on screen… and got away with it. She even wrote a song for us! “My Heart Beats for Love” off her new album. “Everyone has the right to love each other and no one should feel discriminated or judged for that,” she added before performing the song at a show. But she can writhe with snakes all she wants. Gay-icon wise? She’ll never be born-with-it Britney.